I feel legitimate shock over the fact it's been this long since I last visited here. I'm struggling to comprehend that. I mean, seriously-- what the fuck? I could've sworn it was early this year that I shared the website. It's throwing me for a loop. At least a lot happened since then. Things have been difficult-- really difficult-- but also remarkably good. I guess I'm finally moving forward somehow. To the point where I'm actually struggling to keep up with hobbies, because my life doesn't revolve around them anymore. That scares me. I never want to be that kind of person who can't keep up with those things and lets it all go in the wake of working full-time. I never ever want to be that person. I have to keep pushing to make sure I never lose that drive to learn, have fun, and grow in the areas that 'don't matter'.

It's funny-- a lot of the things that fall under that category are things that my Mum always tells me I should sell, or market. It's fascinating to witness. I mean, to me, I just like doing those things. I struggle to push myself to make them profitable, or to pursue them in a way where I'm capable of making something I deem worth selling. I just don't find that sort of thing that interesting. It puts a strain on my enjoyment and taints the value I have of it.

I guess one thing that might be greatly amusing is that even though that much time has passed, I'm still fucking hyperfixated on DPR IAN. Officially my longest recorded hyperfixation to date! My one year Dreamer anniversary is 12 days away or something. I'd understand if I was hanging onto it by a thread because life feels better being hyperfixated than not, but even just today, I spent a few hours on Hyperbeam with Ryn (and Iris as well at first) watching a livestream, and then some performance videos. Most days recently, I spend hours rewatching edits and clips. I'm even still writing fanfic (although the recent one was insanely shit) and all my art is still fanart. Honestly, I just can't fucking believe I haven't even been back here since before the concert.

I was right to be excited for Nerves, though-- he noticed me screaming 'hi, how you doing?' during it! I've been missing the concert especially so, recently. I've decided I'm going to go to one of his one-off performances in Asia whenever there's one next that both Yifei and I can attend together. I'm looking forward to meeting her eventually. She's really lovely.

I think it's my cue to go make some parathas for dinner. I'd love to work some more on CyZone so I can eventually publish it. I really feel attached to this project and there's a lot more of myself I'd like to pour into it. I'll have to talk another time-- but have to, I will. There's so much to talk about.

I feel really happy! I spent many hours this evening/night working on fixing the fucking WebAmp. Finally got it to work. Holy fuck did it take an absurd amount of tries, though. Just glad it worked out in the end. Sara asked this morning (technically yesterday now) if she could see the website again (hi if you end up doing so and reading this!) and I became determined to work out how I could send over the files, as I'm still not at all satisfied enough with myself to commit to looking into webhosting.

I actually had a really good talk with Moth earlier today too. Well, more that I really liked what she sent me a few days ago, and I finally sent my damn essay length response yesterday, which she replied to earlier today. I managed to catch her at the time and we got to talk a little more in realtime which was really nice. It was a really fulfilling conversation.

And of course, best of all, my parents are overseas for a few days. I did have a bit of a mishap when I went to drive home from the airport because Spotify was already in use and I couldn't snatch it for the car, but I was in the limited-time drop off/pick up bay, so I was fucking tweaking and definitely entered into a bit of a meltdown hitting myself and crying very quickly. I was expecting a fun drive home blasting DPR IAN! It caught me off guard and I lost it a bit. But I worked out a method a few minutes into the drive and Nerves started playing which is one of the songs I'm especially looking forward to seeing live. I can't believe it's only 29 days away now!! Fuck I'm gonna kms /pos

I haven't looked at cyzone in a long while, but I finished my first draft of my portfolio yesterday and was doing some more adjusting today and it made me remember this more than just in passing, so I came to look here again. I was actually about to close it and move on to whatever else again, but I saw past-me had written in the description at the top of the page that it doesn't matter what I put here. Everything and anything counts. The phrase 'museum of you' really got to me, to be honest. I forgot I'd written that. So I felt compelled to at least say hi since I'm visiting. That might be a fair idea actually-- to say hi here whenever I visit.

Well, things are wildly different. I moved back in with my parents mid-July. I surely knew that when I posted my recent post... I think? I'm not bothered to check on Discord when I decided on moving. But, well, it's been a crazy time. Even crazier to know my DPR IAN hyperfixation had already begun when I made my last post here. It had only been around for 10 days so I guess I was still thinking it would be gone in a few days. Little did I know it'd still be consuming me nearly 5 months later... haha... but it's been amazing!

I'm visiting my friends back home in about a month. Actually, yeah, exactly a month from now I think. We're going to the DPR concert together. Sara's health tanked a lot since the last time I spoke here, so we're getting accessible seating instead of standing. It's crazy how things can change just like that. It's quite frightening. I hope to go back home soon. I need to get a job and work towards it. The call taker role should work out, but until then, I can still work towards going home. I don't need to limit myself arbitrarily as I tend to do.

I also want to keep working on this again. Well, more importantly, I want to work on the database with Iris, but this might be a nice project to keep in active rotation. I definitely haven't viewed it as something to pick back up for a while now. I can't believe the changelog was last updated so long ago.

Anyway, not sure when I'll come by next. But I'd like to at least say 'hi' whenever I do. ^_^

I wrote this last night when I saw myself in the mirror. I was really sad and dysphoric. I haven't put anything here in a while, nor have I worked on it (no matter how much I've tried to), so I wanted to at least add this!

i look in the mirror and sometimes a man manages to peek out at me
glimpses of him surface in the dark
when its hard to distinguish my edges and my curves and whats soft and whats not
if i look at my eyes i see a man looking back
but if i look down i see pretty red lips
a cute button nose
a slim elegant neck
small bony shoulders
two tumors of womanhood
delicate hands
soft babylike skin running all over my body
light thin hair working hard to keep me warm
my edges are my bones, my edges are within me
i want to bite and tear into myself and let it out
i bleed from my nails and my lips and the insides of my cheeks and sometimes my nose and my ears
but more often than not
i bleed from being a woman

Sara forgot her phone charger at mine... lol... my roomie even specifically checked in with her about it as she was packing to go. She said she had it. But I guess she didn't actually check. I also gave her a snack but either she didn't realise it was for her or she just forgot to take it with her, but I put it away afterwards.

I had the butter chicken roomie brought back with her from home! Very good. An called me... it was so awkward but it was kind of funny because of that. I dunno why she keeps trying to talk with me. It's so weird. I'm not gonna coddle her just because she's obviously a bit emotional about this stuff. IDK.

Still no idea what's gonna happen with money... No one knows about this happening, either. I'll just have to work it out. This seriously sucks...

I suppose this is the first post, huh. Well Sara came over because she has something on tomorrow and it's easier for her to get there by staying at mine today, so I worked on the site a little while she played the Sims on my bed. I feel a bit out of it. Sara and roomie were talking about childhood TV shows and I just felt so disconnected, both because I hadn't watched many of them (so I couldn't connect socially), and because I felt mentally disconnected. Dissociative, whatever. A lot is going on. I have to sort out my government payments because I don't think I'm going to get paid which means I can't get rent... and I have an assignment coming up that I need to start and finish... ahhhhhhh too much and yet I do so little. :/

It feels like I can't start any of the tasks I need to do. My car is still fucked and has been for weeks. My stomach drops whenever I remember that I need to sort it out-- I don't want to talk to roadside assistance, I don't want to be an idiot. It's so overwhelming.

It feels like I'm in a time loop. I don't want to be stuck here forever but it's so terrifying trying to crawl out of the hole I've dug myself into!